


It Comes and Goes in Waves

by Alexalent



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tarsus IV, This isn't a projection fic what are you talking about, minor insomnia and night terrors but they're not the focus of this one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexalent/pseuds/Alexalent
Summary: Kirk's food-related trauma from Tarsus IV shows up in a multitude of ways, especially when he least expects it. Good thing Bones and Spock are there to take care of their favorite Captain.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 12
Kudos: 91





	1. A Swelling Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends! I want to be upfront about the fact that this fic is exploring some disordered eating and past trauma. I don't intend it to be triggering but as it is a loose projection of my own problems with disordered eating I would warn you to proceed with caution if that might cause problems for you. Either way, remember to drink some water (have a snack if you can) and remember that you are enough and are worthy of self-love including taking care of your basic food needs.

Jim knew that something was wrong when sitting up in bed to his Alpha shift alarm triggered a desperate race to the bathroom to avoid throwing up on his bondmate. Spock wasn't on Alpha that morning and considering the past few days they had had him wanted to let the poor Vulcan sleep. In the aftermath of the honestly disastrous but thankfully casualty free away mission that was the latest is a three-day string of bad luck he had been met by Bones who was in “mom mode” as Jim referred to it and thoroughly examined for any pathogens. That meant that this likely wasn’t a run of the mill stomach bug. Jim’s theory was confirmed when he made it to the toilet and the contents of his stomach decided to “abandon ship” as it were, those contents being a little water and a whole lot of bile apparently. Jim groaned, thinking back on it he couldn’t even remember what the last thing he ate was not to mention when it was. This really was bad. The last time he had forgotten to eat for long enough that his body translated hunger as sickness it had taken him two and a half hours to choke down a peanut butter sandwich — with all of his allergies one would expect a peanut allergy but he was surprisingly spared that particular affliction. Not to mention that the combination of the two feelings always made him think about… no, he didn’t have time for this, he had to be on the bridge in an hour best to just chug a glass of water and brush his teeth and hope that his symptoms went away by the afternoon so that he could eat a normal lunch and be over with it. 

\--------

Things were not in fact better by that afternoon meaning Jim had a choice to make. He could either try and force something down in the mess hall in front of his easily concerned CMO or he could skip out on his unscheduled but usual lunch with Bones and try to choke something down in his quarters. Unfortunately, there was a slight possibility that while Spock was on Beta for the day and working in the labs he might have scheduled his meal break to coincide with his Husband. It didn’t happen every time Spock was on a different schedule than Jim, but if he deemed the labs to be running efficiently enough on their own he would often come and eat with the captain, checking the mess first and then their quarters, as he said it was “logical to share bonding periods such as mealtimes with one’s chosen mate”. On any other day, neither of these options would seem bad, but Jim did not want to worry his best friend or his husband more than he already had when the comms had gone dark for two days while his away team was planetside and he wanted to try and eat something in peace. Deciding that the chance of discovery by Spock was better than the certainty of having Bones being nosey he reluctantly set off toward his quarters. He never wanted to be the kind of captain that was seen as thinking he was above eating with his crew, and most days he wasn’t, but sometimes it was better to be seen as a stuck-up asshole than to be seen as weak or incompetent. 

When he arrived their quarters were thankfully first officer free so Jim made his way over to the replicator and paused trying to decide what would be best on his beyond empty stomach. His go-to was a sandwich or toast but he didn’t really have the two hours it took to choke that down last time. After a while, he settled on plomeek soup. He had become fond of it during his relationship with Spock and, although bland, it was warm and easy to eat with the added bonus of being relatively healthy like most Vulcan cuisine was. He sat down with the bowl and just stared at it. After a long pause, he picked up the spoon and started to take a bite, just as another wave of nausea hit him. He groaned and dropped the spoon back into the bowl. His symptoms were worse than he had anticipated that morning which left him with another hard choice, not eating at all, or trying to come up with an excuse to get some form of nutrient drip from McCoy. Well, actually that wasn’t a hard choice at all, he didn’t want Bones to worry about his eating habits in the first place which is why he begrudgingly took the enforced diet cards and comments about his weight. Besides, for all his Starfleet training and pain tolerance he’d always had a thing about needles and would avoid them if at all possible. And anyway, three days without food wasn’t that big of a deal. He’d gone much longer without in the past and if it got to more than a week he’d tell Bones… probably. 

Jim stood up to take his untouched soup back to dispose of it just as the doors to his quarters slid open and Spock walked in. “Ah, Captain, excellent. It is fortunate that I found you here since you were not in the cafeteria with the Doctor. I wished to engage in the human custom of, ‘sharing a meal’ with you this afternoon.”

Jim froze and turned toward him, a forced but bright smile spreading across his face. “Spock! I’m glad you’re here too! I was actually about to pack up this Soup and bring it to you because I already finished my lunch.”  
Spock raised an eyebrow noting the spoon in the bowl, “While that is considerate of you Captain, you should be aware by now that I prefer to keep food meant for consumption away from the labs. Additionally, while I do not wish to question the veracity of your statement that you have already eaten, the Doctor informed me that he hadn’t seen you at your usual mealtime and I do not see any evidence of food having been prepared apart from the bowl of soup you claim to have prepared for me.”

Jim’s smile faltered for a moment, “I don’t always have to eat with Bones,” he shot back defensively, “anyway I just wasn’t really hungry and I didn’t want to sit around with nothing to do but listen to him gripe about how the replicators never get the texture of potatoes right.”   
The corner of Spock’s lip twitched down a fraction and Jim felt a hint of worry through the bond before it was quickly controlled and replaced with the Vulcan’s usual calm. “It is concerning that you are not hungry after two days without access to a sufficient food source. Perhaps you should see Doctor McCoy after all.”  
Jim forced another grin and chuckled nervously, “Nah, Bones’ll just get on my case for trying to worm my way out of his diet plan again. I’ll be okay.” He reached out with his free hand and pressed his first two fingers to Spock’s in a haphazard Ozh’esta.   
Spock looked thoroughly unconvinced but said nothing more. He took the bowl of soup that Jim offered and moved to the seating area to eat it. He said nothing but he pulled his chair closer to Jim’s and let the human rest his head on his shoulder while he ate.  
The two of them settled into a comfortable silence but all too soon the food was eaten and they were both off to continue their duties for the rest of the day, Spock back to the labs and Jim to look over the various reports from the last week. Many would think that he didn’t like the paperwork, and to be fair it wasn’t the most exciting part of the job, but Jim always felt it was a good way to connect with members of the crew that he didn’t necessarily see on a day to day basis. Plus, he had always been a little bookish, and while he was also a fit and active starship captain, it was nice to sit down and read, even if that reading was an overdue report on why the third replicator in the senior officers’ mess dispensed mashed potatoes and lime jello instead of the intended meal every other time it was used.


	2. A Light in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter but it still sets some important groundwork. Big thanks to @Consideritalljoy for letting me bounce my ideas off her for this chapter so it made sense while still getting where I needed to go!

At the end of his shift, Spock made his way to Med Bay. It wasn’t unusual for him to seek out Doctor McCoy’s companionship as the Doctor was always willing to provide a mentally stimulating conversation. However, on this occasion, Spock was seeking his opinion on the captain’s recent odd behavior.   
Thankfully when he entered the medical bay McCoy wasn’t otherwise occupied with a patient but was rather heading to his office. Seeing this Spock followed him into the office and waited till the door shut to address the doctor. 

“Doctor, if you are not urgently engaged, I have a matter I would like to discuss with you.”

“Sure, Spock. Come on in. make yourself at home.” Bones said, as he set down his padd and rolled his eyes. 

“Thank you, doctor. I am concerned about the captain.”

“He had a check-up with me just after beaming back up, just like the rest of the rest of the away team, and he seemed perfectly healthy if a bit cold and hungrier than my nan during the peach festival .”

“Be that as it may, Doctor I am not certain his ailment would have been picked up by your tests. The concern largely has to do with the captain’s relationship to food. Since returning from his last mission, it seems to be a matter of some distress for him, though I am unaware as to why."

“Go on.”

“I am unsure if that would be appropriate; I would prefer not to give full details as I am unsure that the captain would want them shared as he has not formally shared them with me. Nevertheless, I do fear that his eating patterns may be becoming unhealthy and may cause serious health concerns if left unchecked. As his doctor and friend, he may be more inclined to follow your advice as he has been to heed my own.”

“As much as I’m sure that kills your pointy little self to admit you may be right. I’ll see what I can do as far as damage control. Let him be for a week or so but if he doesn’t even out again after that have him come see me about it.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “I cannot think why that would do me grievous physical harm to admit Doctor, but I still extend my thanks.” With that, Spock turned and left the office. 

McCoy picked his padd back up and began typing in codes for an updated diet card for Jim. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen a strange reaction from his old friend in a situation that had deprived the Captain of food. Usually, a restricted diet was enough to reset his eating habits to a normal amount rather than his common reaction of hoarding snacks and eating so much that he would make himself sick. Lucky for him, Spock had caught the problem before it had become a huge deal this time. Bones finished his changes and sighed, he had an hour left in his shift, and then he was due for a stiff drink and a break from overprotective Vulcans and Captains who can’t seem to take care of themselves like every other damn adult on the ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaand Bones has jumped to the exact opposite of the right conclusion about what kind of troubles Jim is having eating. What's on the new menu? How will Jim take it? Tune in next time to find out!


	3. Caught in the silence

Three days later and nothing had changed. Well that wasn't entirely fair Jim supposed, now even if he felt up to eating he wouldn’t be able to on account of every damn food he enjoyed being blocked from his meal card. Bones must have been on another health kick which somehow always meant that Jim, on account of being his CMO’s best friend, was also on a diet by default. 

Under normal circumstances Jim would just shrug it off and deal with it by some lighthearted complaining and teasing directed at Bones. Unfortunately, without any malicious intent on his part Jim was sure, the well-meaning doctor hadn’t left a single thing that he could even choke down (even if he would inevitably throw it up later) on his diet card. He didn’t even have the courtesy to let him have plomeek soup for crying out loud! That was one of the healthiest things the replicator would make, but Bones was never really one to enjoy non-Terran food, and so he likely didn’t remember that Jim was fond of the Vulcan dish.

Jim sighed and stared back down at the mountain of paperwork in front of him. Really it was a blessing that the ship had been non-stop busy for the last week because it meant that Jim actually had an excuse to skip the meals he would usually spend with Spock or Bones. Every once in a while he would get a twinge of concern through the bond at mealtimes, no doubt because Spock was worried not to find him in the mess (not that the stubborn Vulcan would ever admit it outside of the bond), but really it wasn’t his fault! He was just doing what any good captain would do. So what if he wasn’t eating his regular amount? There would be time for that when he wasn’t so busy. Right now it was time to focus on keeping everything and everyone else on the ship running at peak efficiency.

After several hours of paperwork and getting his hands dirty down in engineering until Scotty got fed up with him and sent him kindly off to bed, Jim entered his quarters exhausted and sore. Spock was meditating, and so instead of disturbing him Jim headed off to take a shower, knowing that his husband preferred to come to bed with a clean smelling husband over one who was covered in sweat and who knows what else from climbing around the jeffries tubes. Usually he preferred the sonics, but on nights like this one a real water shower was almost necessary for his aching and exhausted body.

Ten minutes later and Jim exited the bathroom in his preferred sleep shorts and found Spock had finished meditating and was waiting for him in bed. Most nights they played chess, but Spock had rightly inferred that Jim wasn’t up for anything that took that kind of mental energy much less anything that would take physical energy.

Spock didn’t say anything when Jim approached the bed—he merely lifted the edge of the blanket and let Jim slip in next to him, wrapping his arms around the human and pulling him close so that Jim could lay his head on Spock’s shoulder. As he was pulled tightly against the Vulcan, Jim could feel that twinge of concern pulse through the bond again, but Spock said nothing, just held onto Jim tightly, smoothing long elegant fingers through his hair and down his back until Jim fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is another short one but I promise It's for a reason (Also when I do short ones I can update more quickly). Will Jim get better? Will Spock ever voice his concern instead of trying to solve the problem without talking to Jim? Tune in next time to see!


	4. our young hearts fade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The easter egg in this chapter is that I made myself and my editor (@Consideritalljoy) into backstory characters to traumatize Jim. In reality, we'd both be Vulcan Hybrids but I wanted to add more cool races than that. Can you guess which of us is which?

Jim’s whole body ached when he hit the ground, though he couldn’t tell if it was more from the impact or the bone deep hunger of not having eaten anything of substance for nearly a month. He spat out a mixture of dust and sweat and looked up to see Adana, The fourteen year old Trill that was part of his little group of runaways on Tarsus, offering him her hand. He took it and with a weary smile she helped him up and pointed to the tree line where T’parra, the half-Vulcan/half-Betazoid of their ragtag bunch, was waiting for them.

“Jim, Adana, good. The rations cache here is more guarded than we expected but I see no alternative than proceeding with our plan as it was, albeit with more caution than we believed was necessary.” 

Jim looked down the edge of the small hill. T’parra was right, surrounding the small cabin where some minor supplies and one of the few functional replicators left on Tarsus were kept; there were about six of Kodos’ men. Usually there were one or two, four at most but never six. 

Over to his left Adana looked worried but once she noticed Kirk’s gaze she gave a cheerful smile that didn’t quite make it to her eyes. “I’m sure we’ll be fine Jimmy, we’ve done this before. We’re a good team. In and out just like normal right? The guard is heavier sure but no one’s at the back door because it backs up to the cliff, they won’t even see us.” 

The trill patted Jim on the shoulder and then pulled up her dark hood and Started quietly down the hill. Of the tree of them she was the tallest but she was also the best at keeping hidden. She would go down first and then Jim would follow her footsteps exactly while T’parra brought up the rear using her superior Vulcan senses and her abilities as an empath to be certain that their small band wasn’t spotted. 

They made it down the short cliff relatively easily and slipped in the back door of the small building. Adana took off her jacket and handed it to Kirk. He started tying it into a knapsack while T’parra took her place near the front entrance and Adana began picking through the food. She only took what wouldn’t be missed among the ration packs, ones that were less full or damaged in some way, and never more then two from the same box. Once she had filled the repurposed jacked full she tied it over Jim’s back and motioned to T’parra who joined the other two.

The three of them exited the small hut and began their re-ascent in the same order, Adana followed by Kirk and then T’parra. Jim was about halfway up the hill when he heard a shout from the Vulcan behind him. As he and Adana turned to look he saw a flash of light and T’parra fell four feet from where she had been scaling the cliffside and hit the ground unmoving. Coming around the corner of the building Jim saw two men armed with phaser rifles. Adana said something in a language Jim didn’t understand and then began climbing back down the hillside. 

As she passed Jim she handed him a leather bracelet that he knew had belonged to her mother. “Jimmy, you keep going, the kids need that food. I’ll distract Kodos’ goons and see if I can’t get T’parra back to camp. Be safe.” There was a quiver in the older girl’s voice but she looked determined, “You’re in charge until we get back. Take good care of them Jimmy.” then she leapt off the side of the cliff toward the guard that was nearest T’parra. Jim didn’t look back until he had reached the top of the hill. As he did turn to look back there was a second flash of the still standing guard’s phaser rifle and Adana, who had been in the process of housing their friend into her arms, dropped to the ground. Dead. 

As much as he wanted to, Jim knew that he couldn’t do anything to help so he took off running. Why had it had to be T’parra and Adana. They were so much better at this than he was. He wasn’t qualified to be a leader. He was barely 10 himself he couldn’t…  
Jim woke to Spock shaking him awake. “Captain! Jim! You must wake, you are on the verge of a night terror. I could feel your mind growing restless and panicked.”

Jim sighed and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again, “Thank you Spock. I’m sorry that you have to deal with my human emotionalism while we sleep. I’ve told you that I really don’t mind sleeping in separate quarters if that will disturb you less. I know how illogical my dreams can be sometimes and I don’t want to force that on you.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “Indeed? I seem to recall saying that it was of no consequence on multiple occasions. I would rather be here to comfort my bondmate as is my duty and right than to have him suffer alone. To that end, is there any comfort I can provide? You seemed rather distressed.”  
Jim sighed and snuggled back into Spock’s open arms, “No, thank you. Let’s just go back to sleep. I’m sure I’m just stressed from all the late shifts I’ve been working.” He held out his first two fingers which Spock met in the traditional Vulcan kiss, “You know I love you right?” he asked.  
“Yes Jim, as I cherish thee.” came the answer. With that Jim felt Spock’s heart rate slow and his breathing become heavier, sometimes he envied the control Vulcan’s had over their bodies that allowed sleep to come so easily to his husband.

As soon as Jim was sure that Spock was asleep again, he slipped out of the Vulcan’s arms and began to dress. He wasn’t due for Beta shift for hours yet but he didn’t want to disturb Spock with any more of his troubles than he had already so he pulled on his boots and silently headed out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Where is Jim going? Will, he ever share his trauma with Spock? What ill-advised coping mechanism will he turn to next? Will Spock ever actually voice his concerns? Guess you'll just have to wait and see!


End file.
